I don't like these books

This is a long one. Almost an essay, even. But I have to vent a little.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

I've mentioned it earlier, but it is a problem that still affects me. Mentioning my opinion causes people to look at me like I just crucified their savior. Uttering the statement causes eruptions of arguments on my ignorance, or how I'm not reading it right. But I can't pretend to believe everyone else's opinions are true anymore.

I can't stand The Lord of the Rings books.

Right now, someone is reading this and thinking of ways to hurt me. They want to tear me in half and hurl my body into the fires of Mt. Doom (or Orodruin as mentioned in the books). But I stand by my opinion. And I don't stand alone.



I've read accounts of people going completely nuts over their beloved books getting a 1-star rating on Amazon. To some, this is their bible. Saying anything negative about them is blasphemy. Words are thrown at people who share my opinion. Words like ignorant, idiot, bastard, trash, slime, and others that are paired with phrases claiming I don't know what I'm talking about, or that I'm too dumb to understand the books, or what have you.


Let me be perfectly clear about something.


I LOVE the story. I really fucking love it. Finding the One ring and journeying to cast it into the volcano, while men fight the hordes of Mordor and the Ringwraiths, led by the Witch-King of Angmar? The Mines of Moria full of goblins who killed off the dwarfs that lived there, while also living in fear of the demonic Balrog that also lurks in the darkness? Wizards? Freaking Aragorn?! What's not to love? 


Hell, I downloaded Lord of the Rings Online just to see the places he mentions as a character in the world. I LOVE the world.


Let me state something else.


I respect Tolkien and what he did. He created an insanely in-depth fantasy world, with a rich history and language, even including a pronunciation guide. Maps! Various races of creatures that had never been encountered in literature before. Hell, I think even the time it takes them to travel across the land is accurate to their rate of travel, which is real impressive. If anything, Tolkien made sure his world WORKED and was 100% accurate. He is a god of worldbuilding. 3-4 books of story is almost an injustice to how big his world really was. Honestly? I think The Hobbit is a beautiful piece of work and look forward to picking it up again in the near future for an afternoon of reading outside.


Having said that.


They're boring. Oh so boring. I will admit, I've not finished all three (though I will), but I have read Fellowship of the Ring three times (twice in their entirety, once skipping the prologue (which you know I don't like)). I actually like Two Towers, oddly enough (the first part, anyway). But I always just stop. I lose interest. I can't help it, and dammit, I'm trying! But the books are NOT perfect!


"Well, you just don't know how to read them!" OK. This. I have had someone tell me this. Folks, I read a lot. Voraciously. I've read Shakespeare from the damn folios. I've read Beowulf. Twice. To be more modern, I've read Neil Stephenson and had no problems with them (besides his choice in exposition in Snow Crash). Dracula is probably my favorite and most-read book that I own. I've read the Wheel of Time books twice now. I will probably read them all again this year. I read. So claiming I don't know how to read Tolkien doesn't sound like a fault against me. It sounds like there's something wrong with the books. I don't think they're written that well, in terms of entertainment. Are there other books that you have to read a specific way? Probably. Are they enjoyed as much as these books? Probably not.


The pacing is slow. Accurate, yes. But that accuracy makes them slow-paced. I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel. Two: some of the characters aren't very interesting. The main one, in fact. I feel bad for the little guy, but I just don't like the hobbits. They act weird. They really do. Yes, they are supposed to be different because I'm human and they aren't so they will do things that seem odd to me because of the difference in our species. But even recognizing that doesn't mean I'm forced to just bear it and ignore it. They're weird. Another character: Tom Bombadil. I actually like the barrow-wight part. It helps the story to have other dangers besides Sauron. I used to have a barrow-wight action figure hanging from my rear-view mirror (that was made before the movies in what seemed like an attempt by a toy company to try to cash in early on the franchise). His arm broke, finally, but I still have the little guy (Yes, people, THAT is what the zombie dude in my truck was). But when I complained about them leaving the scene out of the movie, a good friend of mine told me "You would have hated it, because it would have put Tom Bombadil in the movie. He'd be the Jar-Jar Binks of LotR." My friend is still right. I hate Tom. I hate how he sings. I hate how he doesn't have a care in the world. He's the Ned Flanders of Fellowship (ok, this is a petty thing to bring up since he's only in a very small part of the book, but dammit, I've sat through his nonsense three times. I get the right to complain about things that bother me).


The last thing I want to bring up, because this is already stretched pretty thin, is the oddness of the writing. The dialogue is very off. Not the words themselves, but Tolkien does something strange in many scenes. Not wanting to stick to using 'said' all the time, he picked a different word: 'cried.' Maybe I read too literally, but I keep imagining conversations between the characters where randomly one will emotionally exclaim their line for no reason. My eyebrow raises almost every time. He uses it a lot, or at least enough to make me notice it. Just seems so strange to me.


On the other hand, it could be argued that this is because the books are supposed to be seen as written by a character in the books (a bold move, and very innovative. I'll give him that).


I will even acknowledge that the popularity of the books probably paved the way for the fantasy genre as a whole. While fantasy novels were around LONG before Tolkien, his stories did make the genre popular enough that other authors decided to try their hand at them. His work was extremeely influential, and if I did not agree, then I deserve to be called an ignorant fool. Hell, his books were probably the driving force behind Dungeons and Dragons existing, which can be seen as a stepping stone to American video game developers (not to mention western influences on Japanese games as well). For that, I respect the man (though I would still say Robert Howard was doing Fantasy first). But in the end, I just don't like reading the books.


I'm still going to finish them, though. I will read them all this year. I don't give up on books. But there WILL be an intermission between Fellowship and Two Towers where I read The Wise Man's Fear by Patrick Rothfuss, which comes out tomorrow.


Who knows? I might actually change my mind after I finish the last two books. I don't think I would be that surprised if I found a fondness for them. I said it earlier, I LOVE the story. A LOT. I love the movies, too. They sped up the pacing and cut a lot of the slow bits out. But I wish (and someone might begin tracking me down to stab me in the heart when I say this) that somebody would revise the books to have that same energy.


Don't hate me for my opinion. I'm trying to like them. I'm giving them another chance. But it's hard, dammit. It's so fracking hard.


But I will finish the trilogy.