Contains foul language, so don't read aloud to your children.
I am burning out at this moment with my education. I don't know what it is with this week, but I am just so tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I want to blame that bastard cat of mine, but I can't. I can blame the drinking. I am feeling restless and compressed. It feels like the center of my body is just pulling at my limbs, from my shoulders to my fingers and my waist to my toes, my collar to the top of my head. Elbows, knuckles, knees, neck, all of it just tense. I can't seem to stretch them out. My arms are heavy, and it is hard to hold my head up. Even when I'm not hungover (a rarity nowadays), I'm just exhausted. I am mentally exhausted. I am physically beaten down. I feel like I could fall asleep at any time, but can't seem to do it when it matters. My face is tired. I don't know what I want to do. I just stare out mindlessly in a haze. I have nothing on my mind. It's hard to think. But my mind isn't clear. It's just muddled. It feels like there is a muddy pond behind my eyes.
Even though I'm tired, I also kind of feel revved up, too. I'm like an old truck that has a fast idle. Beaten down, but tense. Anxious. I can't relax, even though I'm exhausted. My hands shake, even though they are weak. My legs twitch, and my feet hurt. I need a massage. I need someone to work my back with their hands while I lie there until I pass out.
I need that damn cat to stop being a jerk in the morning. He has never been this terrible. He won't stay out of things in the room in the morning, and he won't stay out of the room at all. If I throw him out, he'll leave me alone for the most part, but then he'll start howling and scratching at the door in the most obnoxious way. I finally break. I groggily assume that he needs to use the box, so I let him in. Instead, though, he jumps on the bed and lies down as if he's going to sleep. Cool. Alright. I lie down again. Within an hour, he is up and knocking things around on the desk, or smacking the blinds or my feet, or just screwing with one thing that he found that makes an obscene amount of noise. And then I throw his ass out again. And this repeats. Finally, today, I just got up after his howling and when I decided to just stay awake, I open the door and this time he goes to his box. Are you kidding me? Then he leaves. The worst part is if I stay up, I can keep the door closed and sit at my desk going through the internet with no distractions. He won't sit outside the door when I'm awake. That worthless bastard rodent of an animal.
I can't fall asleep at night. I will lie in bed and watch something on the computer, a video review of something, nothing of any real substance. Usually something I've already watched. I will start to feel drowsy, and I feel like I could just close my eyes right when it ends. But that doesn't ever happen. I am at my most sleepy when I crawl over and switch off the monitor and lie back down. And then I just lie there. No sleep comes. I stare at the wall. I stare at the ceiling. I don't feel any less sleepy, it just doesn't happen. I slept better when my wrist was busted two weeks ago. This happens sober as well as drunk. Drunk is usually worse, because I can't seem to get comfortable. It's hot, but cold. What the hell is wrong with me this week? Maybe tonight will be better. I don't have to read tonight (though I should), so maybe this will be the night where I reboot finally. Just defrag and shut down and wake up tomorrow feeling like a million bucks.
I have my doubts.
